Slinging Stones at Cancer

My mom has metastatic breast cancer. It has spread to her spine already, and they are searching for other areas it may have seeded. When we first found out, I was angry at God. How could he do this to our family? My mom was getting ready to retire, and she and my dad were moving to their lake house to enjoy the fruits of all their labor. So why would this happen, why would God allow this to happen? She has been a faithful Christian almost her entire life, a tither, and she has been Christlike and wise. She’s the matriarch of our blended family, I can’t possibly imagine her being gone. Not yet anyway, I’m not ready.
At first I was so angry I couldn’t even pray. Then I had peace, I knew that whatever happened I have the promise of seeing her again to look forward to. We met with our elders and pastor and they did an atonement and laid their hands on her, but what my pastor told me is difficult and I still mull over it. He said, “Our God is sovereign. We can pray for Him to heal her but their are a few ways He can answer, yes–instantaneous healing, yes–not yet though, or simply no–her healing will come in heaven. The last one is incredibly difficult, why wouldn’t He heal her?
I am reminded often of the parable of the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8), and how Jesus spoke of fervent prayer. This is what I hope for, that our God, as sovereign as He is, can be persuaded to heal my mom from this incredibly difficult disease, which doctors say is incurable. Everyday I am searching for alternative therapies that we haven’t considered yet, or sound promising, and my mom is doing everything she can, both with conventional medicine and alternative. We must beat this disease because, as she said, “I’m not ready to go yet.”
I will keep you updated on her progress, and if anyone is interested I will post what therapies she is doing and how they are working. I’ve learned that I have no fear of doctors, and what they say “might” happen, but instead my fear lies in The Lord. Ultimately he is the one who heals, the one who giveths, and the one who takes away.
God Bless those of you in the battle against cancer along side me. There are many stories of healing in the Bible, for those of you looking for hope to cling to.
Luke 4:38
Luke 5:17-26
Luke 6:17-19
Luke 8:40-56
Luke 9:37-42
A note on persistent prayer: Luke 11:9-13 and Luke 18: 1-8
And this is just a few!

Walking the Crooked Path

I have been pretty angry at God the last few months. We are struggling financially, my husband started a new business so he drastically cut back on his hours at his regular job. He hasn’t received a cheque from his business yet, and has been putting a lot of hours in that aren’t “billable”. I understand that this is normal when you start any entrepreneurial venture, but the strain has been hard on our family, in our finances and in his increasing absence. I’ve been asking God to help me be content with what we have so I don’t miss the things we are lacking, and remain patient with our children during this stressful time, but our income is at it’s lowest in our nine years together and we have two kids with demanding schedules.

Our Pastor talked about discipleship this last Sunday, and what that looks like. How Jesus told his disciples that in order to follow Him, they had to give up everything–family, friends, possessions, and even prepare to give their life up. And this morning I heard in my mind as I was trying to put on a happy face, get the kids ready for school, the house tidied, “Are you prepared to give everything up for Me?”. My initial response is, “Yes!” of course I would! And I feel like I already have, we still tithe on our little income and give when we are able to give any extra, and I find myself saying, “isn’t that enough God? Don’t you see how sarcificial I am being?” But the truth is I am not cutting deep enough. Ten percent doesn’t belong to God, it all belongs to God.

I felt encouraged last night to read the book of Ruth. The story is one of my favourites. I love Ruth, she is loyal, patient, and obedient, three virtues that I strive to have. She left her homeland and her family for her mother-in-law, how many people today would or could do the same? I find myself today though not reflecting on Ruth’s sacrifice, but Naomi’s loss. Naomi lost her sons and her husband, and even says, “…the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but The Lord has brought me back empty…” Ruth 1: 20-22. I too, feel empty. I feel as though I have done everything I am supposed yet still The Lord hasn’t answered, the way I want him too. This morning my daughter brought me a card that had a lion on it and said simply, “Strength”. I have no idea where she found it, but The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways. Sometimes through a child picking up garbage. I was reminded of a verse from a song we sing in church, “Strength will rise as we wait upon The Lord”. So that’s what I am doing, waiting on The Lord.

Naomi losing her sons and husband isn’t the end of the story for her, through her loyal and faithful daughter-in-law, she is eventually given a “grandchild”, Obed, and a women who is without name says to Naomi, “…Praise be to The Lord, who this day has not left you without a family guardian….He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age.” Ruth 4: 14-16. Make no mistake, this isn’t a better ending for Naomi, it’s just different than the one she thought she would have.

My life isn’t in the sweet perfection I imagined it to be. Our extended family is struggling with Faith and health issues, we are burdened with financial issues, and my children are often robbed of their dad because he is busy trying to make things better for us. In all our struggles one thing has remained constant, I still chose God. Even though he doesn’t always make things “easy” and “perfect” I do know for sure, that a perfect life without God is far worse than an imperfect walk with Him. Strength will rise as I wait upon The Lord, so I will be encouraged and wait.

The Tithe

Luke 6:38 “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

Tithing is a part of Christianity that most Christians, myself included, have difficulty with. In order to tithe, we must fully understand and commit to the reality that our income isn’t ours, but it belongs to The Lord because he allows us to have it, and when we tithe we are in truth only giving back to The Lord a portion of what is already His.

My church recently built a new building, and we are suffering financially because we followed an old model of building churches, collecting pledges from congregation members for a third of the cost and getting a mortgage for the other two thirds. Guess what happened when the church was built? People left, moved away, or didn’t follow through on what was pledged and now we have this debt. We also don’t push tithing, money is a hard subject and it is a sensitive area for the church to teach about. We are an increasingly suspicious society, so when someone comes to us with their hand out, we clam up, even though it was our Lord is commanding us to. We readily accept advice from our Pastor on our marriage, our children, our personal walk with Christ, but if he starts asking us for money then we are OUT. This then goes back to the first point I made, the money really isn’t ours to begin with.

Money is finite. You only get so much on payday and once it is dispersed it is gone. There isn’t anymore once it is all used up. Our God is infinite. He is unwavering, unchanging, always loving. We don’t say, “Well I prayed once already today and that was my limit, so I have to wait until tomorrow to pray again.” That’s ridiculous! He is always available, unlimited, like the limit on your account is nil. The reason I point out our God’s infinite reach, is because I experience it with my tithing. I often don’t tithe. I think, “there just isn’t enough money and God says to take care of our household or we are foolish.” (“If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. ” 1 Timothy 5:8) Just recently I was doing our family’s budget and I could not make the math work. I spent days trying to allocate enough funds to every category but there were more categories than there was money. Finally I gave up, and since it had been two months since I last gave an offering, I tithed. The next morning I got up and looked at my budget. I thought it would be another long unproductive day of trying to make the math work. But guess what? It worked. All the numbers fit in and there was even money left over. I was left not wanting anything and feeling our needs were met entirely. I told this to my mom and she told me, “You just were adding the numbers wrong”, but I disagree. I was trying to make the budget work from my limited Earthly perspective, God stepped in worked it from his heavenly perspective, and made an, albeit small, miracle happen. I truly and honestly feel that it was divine, by tithing I invited God into my finances and He not only stepped up to the plate, but knocked the ball out of the park. Tithing is a habit I will take more seriously, and I strongly encourage you do the same.

Forgiven

Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Forgiveness. I have been forgiven therefore I shall forgive, right? I sometimes struggle with forgiving people. Usually for me it is easy to forgive, but a few times I have had to pray and pray for God’s grace and help me to let go and forgive. I do not forgive because it is good for the other person, they may not even know I had a grievance about them, it is for the health of my own soul that I must forgive. I always think of it in terms of gunk, filth, or garbage that litters my heart and soul. The anger, hurt, frustration, that tends to build up and we carry it around. It is weighing you down, you may not notice, but when you let go of it for good you feel a breath of fresh air in your soul. It’ll be like someone opened the window and let out all the stale air. You do not forgive for the sake of the other person, you forgive for the sake of your own survival.

I recently saw someone that inspired me to write about forgiveness. Many years ago, his father came to my father for help. My dad was reluctant to help him because he was very busy, but the man insisted so he eventually did. Things did not go according to how the man had wanted, so he threatened to sue my dad. My dad sought legal counsel and learned the other man had no basis, or evidence, that would warrant a law suit. It was all gossip and empty threats. My dads business was hurt for a while, but eventually it picked back up to the pace it was at originally. This other man had been damaged, but it would seem he has recovered since his business appears to once again be thriving. This was a dark and terrible time for my family. For my dad, who had been doing his job for 30 years at that point, without any incident, it made him reconsider his faith in the gift he has. I got tired of the endless gossip, people prying and asking questions. I was angry, but not as much as my older sister. She would go on a rampage defending my father and tarnishing the other mans name, which was what that man was doing to my father. So I prayed. My mom prayed, and probably countless others who relied on my dad and trusted him. After the dust settled, my dads business started to get vandalized. I often suspected the other man’s children as he had two sons, that were the same age as me. I don’t have any proof, but it was what I felt in my heart.
I don’t think about this other man any more, and I don’t know if my sister does, but I do know that I have forgiven what was done and I no longer have to spend any time on it. It doesn’t concern me at all. It occurred to me the other day though, that he doesn’t feel the same. I ran into one of his sons and he shot me a terribly awful look. This isn’t the first encounter I have had with him, and it is usually the same. He still hates me and my family, and the emotion raw as if it happened yesterday. Instead of being angry at him, which would start the cycle over, I feel sad for him. The hurt and anger has rusted his soul. He blames me and my family still to this day for what happened to his dad, and I can’t do anything to rectify it or make it better, but I do prayfor him. He has no idea the freedom he would feel if he could just let it go.

Letting go isn’t easy, especially if forgiveness isn’t a muscle you have used before. But like any muscle, you practise, start with a smaller weight, and once it easy for you to lift the smaller weight you go up in size until you finally have reached your goal. It’ll take patience, and transgressions you thought you let go of will surface again, and you will have to pray about it and forgive them all over again. But I promise you this, it is worth it. If you feel bitterness remember, you aren’t forgiving for the good of the other person’s involved, you are forgiving because it is good FOR YOU.

What’s Wrong With Kids Today?

My title may be a little off putting, as it is reminiscent of how every single generation prior to the current one has thought about the generation younger than them. What I am considering though is that they were right, every generation has lost a little humanity and replaced it with technology, and the “live for the moment” mentality. There isn’t anything wrong with being present, and enjoying each day as the gift it is, but it is wrong to use that for an excuse to lead a reckless and selfish existence. God has given us this gift of life to use to glorify Him, to tell the world of His love, and His hopes for our lives. Being a part of the “here and now” culture is detrimental to that gift, and is only going to lead you down a path of self loathing, damaged relationships, and right into Satan’s grasp.

I wasn’t aware how far gone we were, and how old I was getting, until just recently. I went out with a few friends for a birthday supper to a lounge. Everyone there was a lot younger than me, and I can honestly say I have never felt so out of touch with the current culture. I used to be a part of it, when I thought it was OK to get drunk on Friday and go to church Sunday. I used to live hedonistically, occasionally used drugs, and lied to myself, my family, my friends, and most importantly my God. This cycle of partying and trying to leave a clean life 5 days a week made me hate myself. I would think about the things I did when I was under the influence of something, and rehash and relive them and scrutinize myself for being so foolish, only to repeat the same mistakes on the next Friday night. Alcohol led to promiscuity, irresponsible spending, saying things that I couldn’t take back. A good therapist made me realize I was on the path to to alcoholism because I used alcohol as a tool to “loosen up”, it was a crutch for me. I had a child at the time and the thought of my son having an alcoholic mother terrified me enough to quit. I am still working on forgiveness from The Lord, I know he forgave me in an instant but I am unable to let go. The things I did have been wiped off my slate but I reflect on them often, too focused still on the past to look forward to a wonderful future with The Lord.

I am telling this story to explain how concerned I am for the new youth. It has been hard enough for me to let go of the mistakes I made, but they pale in comparison to the current mistakes being made by our young people. The nightlife is dark, there is evil in every dimly lit corner, and the Devil would have you believing he is winning if you stayed long enough. There needs to be a bright beacon of light to lead these people to new hope, a new existence, and a new love that they are searching fruitlessly for in the wrong place. They need to be covered with prayer, showered with love, and supported to all ends so they can come to amends with their lives as they are, bid adieu, and come walk with Christ.

How Great is our God?

I have been thinking about our God’s awesome power, and if he wanted to, the whole world could know of His glory, in a single instant He could enlighten us. So why hasn’t he? If He wants us to know Him, personally and intimately, than why hasn’t He just showed us?

Imagine this. You are on a holiday with your family. You have taken them to the Badlands, an area that amazing discoveries have taken place. Complete and colossal dinosaur skeletons have been found there. Massive bones, crustaceans and extinct creatures have been fossilized and left for us to discover. As you walk through the rocky, dry earth you notice something that is unlike the ground around it. You creep towards the area, carefully watching the ground so you don’t disturb the rattle snakes in the grass. You finally come up to it. You are amazed, astonished that YOU have discovered something in an area that appears so barren. You call over your loved ones, “hurry”, you tell them, “come and see”! You all look at the object you have in your hand, it is beautiful, it sparkles in the sun, every colour of the rainbow is visible on its shell. It’s ammolite, a rare opal-like gemstone only found in highly fossilized areas. It’s value in the range of hundred of thousands of dollars. What an amazing find. What a rush!

In this story, you have traveled to an area that is known to have dinosaur remains, and there has been ammolite found and mined. Although you weren’t expecting to come across it, you knew it was a possibility because of where you were. Now imagine it differently. Imagine your life, without Christ, you have never known him and didn’t even know he could possibly exist. One day you experience something so powerful and unnerving that your life will never be the same. And because of it, you learn of a God, that forgives you in an instant for everything you have done, He only wants good things for you, and He loves you more than you can even fathom. When you think about something that you have known forever, it isn’t as special as coming across and finding something out for the first time. Think back to when you read something that you hadn’t heard before and how it changed you. You can even still remember the passage or idea word for word. Think about how excited you were and you wanted everyone to know the thought you had just put together. Like when you found the gemstone, you were excited and wanted everyone to, “hurry! Come and see what I found!”. It has an affect on your life that cannot be measured, it is far reaching and extraordinary. If we knew God existed because he came to us and told us, “Hey Joe, I’m God” it wouldn’t be the same thrill as it is finding Him and learning about Him. We must come to Christ by Faith, not by sight. It needs to be a powerful, unique relationship that can only be described by having your own, personal walk with Him. He wants us to find Him, to know Him, He is waiting for you when you are ready. And when you find Him, He wants you to declare it to the whole world.

It would be easy if God came to us, took our hand, and showed us who He is. It is profound when we grab his hand and ask Him, “Father, please, show me who you are”.

Church Family

For a while I have been contemplating my church. I love my church, I love the people in it and I love the pastor and his family. I am not facing a crisis of misguided doctrine or anything. A lot of people have left our church, some have moved on to other cities and some have left for other churches in our area and for the first time since I have been attending this church, the members are dwindling. When I started attending almost 10 years ago, the church was on a continuous upswing, growing and thriving. The only change to the church has been that they built a new building, the old building was always temporary and we had outgrown it. In this transition of space, and finally having our own church, some ministries were left to sour. The women’s Bible studies for example, but this was quickly noticed and is on a revival.

My mom has been attending churches most of her life, so these kinds of ebbs and flows don’t perturb her much. I however am bothered. I am wondering if I am on a sinking ship and need to join others that have left at another church, which has a similar doctrine but a growing, thriving church family. Something has been nagging at me to leave, but I have yet to discern if it is from my Heavenly Father or something sinister driving our church apart.

Having considered all this, I came to the realization. I have always called the church members, the “church family”, and when I pray for them I pray like they are my brothers and sisters. Does one leave their family just because it seems to be the vogue thing to do? Or do I continue to pray for my family, and commit to my family’s growth instead of leaving it to demise? My spirituality is nurtured there, I feel close to God and I have no issues with my pastor or how he uses the pulpit to teach. Sure I have grievances with some individuals, and with some minor details of the churches operating, but who doesn’t have issues with their own family and how other siblings maybe raise their kids? Or manage their money? And would I leave my family because I don’t agree with these things? Of course not! I will pray for them!

So for now, until I get clarity on the nagging in my spirit to leave, I will stay and continue to pray. I miss the other members immensely. You get used to seeing somebody on a weekly basis, get to know their kids, and when they chose to attend another a church it is difficult to not be hurt and take it personally. Instead of being involved in the demise of a church, I would rather be involved in its revival. It would be easy to leave and get on board with another church that is thriving and healthy, but I feel it would be more rewarding to help rebuild and recruit new members, hopefully new Christians, and nurture the church.

Miracle

Recently, a friend posted as her Facebook status, “I believe miracles happen everyday!” in response to a friend of hers who was in a coma. Sadly, her friend passed away and her post has always stuck with me. I think about it often because I do believe miracles happen, I have experienced miraculous things, but why does it seem they don’t always happen when someone really needs one?

When I was in elementary school, the mother of a friend passed away after a tragic accident. She was alive on machine’s for a few weeks before the family decided to turn them off. I remember in the days following the accident I fervently prayed for her to wake up, that God would, “please, please, save her” but yet she died. I didn’t understand it then, and I still don’t. Why do some die, while others get to survive “miraculously”?

Thankfully, miracles do not need faith to happen. They happen in the absence of faith and can change a person forever. Or, someone who has faith can go an entire lifetime without experiencing one–miracles are not faith-dependent. Although God does not always answer in the way we hope or ask, in the absence of miracles there isn’t nil, therein lies an answer. My friends mom happened to be a Christian, and from what I comprehended then was that in the weeks prior to her accident she had become one. Maybe God didn’t save her earthly body, but he did save her soul. When God doesn’t reply how we expect or want, it doesn’t mean he was silent on the matter, it just means we need to change our focus and look at how he replied instead.

My brother went through a shaky time in his late teens to early twenties. He experimented with a lot of drugs, drank excessively, and lived haphazardly. I was still in high school when he went out to college, and I knew my mom worried about him a lot. I was sitting in my math class one day, bored as usual when I looked up at the clock, it read 10:50am. I suddenly had a knot in my stomach and the urge to phone my mom right away. Something wasn’t right with my brother. I raised my hand to ask to use the phone, and what else is amazing is that my teacher allowed me to make a phone call during his lecture. I quickly dialled my mom and told her, “mom, something is wrong, you need to get a hold of Joe.” and instead of quizzing me, dismissing me, my mom did just that–called my brother. She also did something else, she prayed. When I got home that day I heard an amazing story, my brother was alright but earlier that day, around 10-11 am, he collapsed in a bathroom after getting a hair cut and was ambulanced to the hospital. It was determined that he had suffered a minor stroke, likely a result from his drug use. I’m not sure why God nudged me that morning, but He does work in mysterious ways. And He did allow my brother to live that day, for a reason as of yet undetermined, but if we wait long enough, and look for the answer, I am sure in time it will be revealed. Time is an amazing thing when using it to determine miracles. Sometimes you can tell right away that something was miraculous, often though you have to wait. And waiting is what I will do, if I do not learn the purpose behind some things during my time on Earth, then I will find out when I get to Heaven.

Whom Then, Shall I Fear?

I am taking a Bible study that focuses on who our Heavenly Father really is, and one of the first ideas that we are studying is having a fear of God, and what that looks like.

“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Proverbs 1:7
This verse is stating that in order to gain wisdom, we must first have a fear of The Lord. This can be hard for Christians to grasp because we are taught that, “if our God is for us, then who can stand against us?” Romans 8:31, so why would we fear the very being that is on our side no matter what? Does this seem oxymoronic? Our God is always on our side, He loves us more than anything, and yet we are supposed to fear Him.

Before I started this study, I always thought I was a God fearing woman. I don’t know why I fear Him, but I know that I do and I really can not define it. I am in awe of God, hold Him in high reverence, and I am afraid of Him.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?” Psalm 27:2

I also know that because I fear The Lord, I do not need to be bound by fear on Earth. If God is greater than all things on the Earth (because he created them), then why would I fear anything, besides Him who has created all things? When we do have fear, like driving in the winter, walking in the woods (I live in an area with a high cougar population), illness, a fear of dangerous people, is it sinful because we should only have a fear of God himself? And does a fear of things on earth reflect a deficit in our Faith? Since I fear walking in the woods because of cougars, does that mean I do not think God is in control of his creation, and if I am going to die at the paw of a cougar, it is because The Lord has allowed it, so then why should I walk in fear when I have no control over the situation.

The long and short of my question, is it sinful to be fearful of things on this earth, when we should really only fear The Lord, is open to your own interpretation. I am not a Bible scholar, I do not know my Bible well enough to conclusively answer that question, I do know that for myself, I have great peace knowing that the only one I need to fear is The Lord. And these other things do not frighten me.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10