Walking the Crooked Path

I have been pretty angry at God the last few months. We are struggling financially, my husband started a new business so he drastically cut back on his hours at his regular job. He hasn’t received a cheque from his business yet, and has been putting a lot of hours in that aren’t “billable”. I understand that this is normal when you start any entrepreneurial venture, but the strain has been hard on our family, in our finances and in his increasing absence. I’ve been asking God to help me be content with what we have so I don’t miss the things we are lacking, and remain patient with our children during this stressful time, but our income is at it’s lowest in our nine years together and we have two kids with demanding schedules.

Our Pastor talked about discipleship this last Sunday, and what that looks like. How Jesus told his disciples that in order to follow Him, they had to give up everything–family, friends, possessions, and even prepare to give their life up. And this morning I heard in my mind as I was trying to put on a happy face, get the kids ready for school, the house tidied, “Are you prepared to give everything up for Me?”. My initial response is, “Yes!” of course I would! And I feel like I already have, we still tithe on our little income and give when we are able to give any extra, and I find myself saying, “isn’t that enough God? Don’t you see how sarcificial I am being?” But the truth is I am not cutting deep enough. Ten percent doesn’t belong to God, it all belongs to God.

I felt encouraged last night to read the book of Ruth. The story is one of my favourites. I love Ruth, she is loyal, patient, and obedient, three virtues that I strive to have. She left her homeland and her family for her mother-in-law, how many people today would or could do the same? I find myself today though not reflecting on Ruth’s sacrifice, but Naomi’s loss. Naomi lost her sons and her husband, and even says, “…the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but The Lord has brought me back empty…” Ruth 1: 20-22. I too, feel empty. I feel as though I have done everything I am supposed yet still The Lord hasn’t answered, the way I want him too. This morning my daughter brought me a card that had a lion on it and said simply, “Strength”. I have no idea where she found it, but The Lord speaks to us in mysterious ways. Sometimes through a child picking up garbage. I was reminded of a verse from a song we sing in church, “Strength will rise as we wait upon The Lord”. So that’s what I am doing, waiting on The Lord.

Naomi losing her sons and husband isn’t the end of the story for her, through her loyal and faithful daughter-in-law, she is eventually given a “grandchild”, Obed, and a women who is without name says to Naomi, “…Praise be to The Lord, who this day has not left you without a family guardian….He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age.” Ruth 4: 14-16. Make no mistake, this isn’t a better ending for Naomi, it’s just different than the one she thought she would have.

My life isn’t in the sweet perfection I imagined it to be. Our extended family is struggling with Faith and health issues, we are burdened with financial issues, and my children are often robbed of their dad because he is busy trying to make things better for us. In all our struggles one thing has remained constant, I still chose God. Even though he doesn’t always make things “easy” and “perfect” I do know for sure, that a perfect life without God is far worse than an imperfect walk with Him. Strength will rise as I wait upon The Lord, so I will be encouraged and wait.