Isn’t true that you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely? It is an ironic thing to say but it feels incredibly sad. I tend to keep friends, I don’t like making new ones so the friends I have are people who have been around me for a long time, most of them my whole life. If someone was to ask me, who my best friend was, I would start with my husband. That is easy for me to say, he is my rock, my confidante, my solace, and my safe place. Next I would say were my sisters. Now sisters are funny as friends because I have often thought that with my sisters, had we met as just people we would not be friends. We are all so individual and unique that I don’t think we would get along but since we are sisters we somehow do get along, famously in fact. After my sisters however, I find it difficult to pick who would my best friend be. I have a friend, whom I have known forever, that used to be my best friend, but I can’t count on her anymore. She’s very kind, but she’s unstable. I can not count on her to be there for me at all. This hurts me immensely. As silly as it sounds, I long for the “tags” in the Facebook posts about me and my best friend. I find myself jealous of others who have that, because I feel it is impossible to find. I have gotten close to another woman, she is wise and she is always there for me. I often think of her as my best friend in adulthood, but she has a “best friend” already. She has never given me that title and I don’t think she ever will. I will always only be a good friend to her, but as far as a “bestie”, I am none and I have none.
This may seem like a frivolous topic, but I have been feeling this way for quite some time, and I always feel better once I have written about it, and especially if other women feel the same. Growing up I never remember my mom having friends. I seldom went on play dates, and I don’t think she ever went out with “her girlfriends” because I don’t think she had any. Even now as an adult, and my mom as a senior, I don’t see her socializing much with other women her age. She much prefers the company of my dad at home, and there isn’t anything wrong with that, but I do think there is a value in having rich social relationships with women who are going through similar life experiences. A kinship that isn’t tied with blood, but rather with a deeper sense of comfort and a grander feeling of belonging.
I have no idea what I am going to do. I think the only logical thing to do would be “keep on keeping on”, meaning I am just going to carry on, be kind to everyone, and hope that I “click” with someone enough to have the privilege of being their best friend. Until then, I will always enjoy my husband’s company, and I will continue to maintain my “good friend” status with my peers. If you have a best friend, a reliable, unwavering support system, compassionate and empathetic, trustworthy, person–then keep her, hold on to her. Her value to you can only truly be recognized when she is gone, and I pray you never lose her.
mrsmandaz 