You Like Me? You Really Like Me?

For as long as I can remember, I have been a “people pleaser”. I have no idea why I am the way I am. My name even means “loveable; worthy of love”. I constantly strive to have people see me as “worthy of love”, but often I feel my efforts are exhaustive and fruitless. If I was truly doing something that was my life’s calling, then shouldn’t it energize me and come easily to me? I often, okay always, put the needs of others before my own, and I do not speak up when I should, for fear of offending one of my friends. If I am afraid of offending them, then are they truly my friends? Are people that do not see my value as a human being worthy of my love?

Maybe I struggle so much because my motivations are not pure. Instead of focusing on what someone really and truly needs, I am selfishly trying to get them to like me. Instead of serving them because I love to serve people, I am doing it because I want to find favour with them. What is so wrong with wanting to be the “friend” tagged in all the Facebook posts, or the “friend” who gets texts all day long from people who truly do care and worry about me?

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with that, it’s that I am not serving Jesus when I am serving others first, for my own benefit, instead of in His name. Instead of trying to win my friends’ approval, I should be living according to The Lord and trying to win His approval. According to Proverbs 3:4 “So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man.” favour comes from God first, then man. If I instead work hard to please my Father, than favour with man will come next. So how do I serve my Father? By learning how to keep my motivations pure, and doing things for others because I see a need and am able to fill it, not by doing things or buying my friends things so they will like me better. I do not want those kind of friends if that’s what I need to do to be with them. As painful as that is it may be necessary to weed people out of your life in order to better serve The Lord.

Now understanding this, and writing it, does not make it easier. I still have pain in my heart, I am overly sensitive and I am hurting. So what do I do? Firstly I pray. I ask God to bring people into my life who are good for me and will encourage and nourish my walk with Christ. Next I pray for my friends. God has been so faithful to me, I often struggle with something as silly as being impatient with my children, and I pray about it and it suddenly gets better. He will show that same Faith to you. He may not always answer the way you ask, but God never fails and he always sends an answer. He is amazing. After this, I need to remind myself and take accountability for what my role is. I need to become the friend I want and need, to other people. Ever hear the saying, “treat others the way you want to be treated”? Well it’s true–and it is high time I treat people better, set aside my preconceived judgments, learn how to be modest and squish my pride. For I have a lot of love to give, and I am worthy of other’s love.

My Best Friend

Isn’t true that you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely? It is an ironic thing to say but it feels incredibly sad. I tend to keep friends, I don’t like making new ones so the friends I have are people who have been around me for a long time, most of them my whole life. If someone was to ask me, who my best friend was, I would start with my husband. That is easy for me to say, he is my rock, my confidante, my solace, and my safe place. Next I would say were my sisters. Now sisters are funny as friends because I have often thought that with my sisters, had we met as just people we would not be friends. We are all so individual and unique that I don’t think we would get along but since we are sisters we somehow do get along, famously in fact. After my sisters however, I find it difficult to pick who would my best friend be. I have a friend, whom I have known forever, that used to be my best friend, but I can’t count on her anymore. She’s very kind, but she’s unstable. I can not count on her to be there for me at all. This hurts me immensely. As silly as it sounds, I long for the “tags” in the Facebook posts about me and my best friend. I find myself jealous of others who have that, because I feel it is impossible to find. I have gotten close to another woman, she is wise and she is always there for me. I often think of her as my best friend in adulthood, but she has a “best friend” already. She has never given me that title and I don’t think she ever will. I will always only be a good friend to her, but as far as a “bestie”, I am none and I have none.

This may seem like a frivolous topic, but I have been feeling this way for quite some time, and I always feel better once I have written about it, and especially if other women feel the same. Growing up I never remember my mom having friends. I seldom went on play dates, and I don’t think she ever went out with “her girlfriends” because I don’t think she had any. Even now as an adult, and my mom as a senior, I don’t see her socializing much with other women her age. She much prefers the company of my dad at home, and there isn’t anything wrong with that, but I do think there is a value in having rich social relationships with women who are going through similar life experiences. A kinship that isn’t tied with blood, but rather with a deeper sense of comfort and a grander feeling of belonging.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I think the only logical thing to do would be “keep on keeping on”, meaning I am just going to carry on, be kind to everyone, and hope that I “click” with someone enough to have the privilege of being their best friend. Until then, I will always enjoy my husband’s company, and I will continue to maintain my “good friend” status with my peers. If you have a best friend, a reliable, unwavering support system, compassionate and empathetic, trustworthy, person–then keep her, hold on to her. Her value to you can only truly be recognized when she is gone, and I pray you never lose her.